Gratitude

I have found myself being more negative than I like lately. We have a small (large?) family crisis situation that we are dealing with that is too personal to put out there on the internet and it's wearing me down. I have this rule where I will never speak ill of my husband or my children on the internet, even to vent. Once something is out there, it's out there and I don't want to sour anyones perceptions of my family because of the way *I* see things. The crisis wouldn't require me to say anything negative, but it does involve one of my children and would speak about them in a manner that is too personal and sensitive to put into cyberspace. I hope you'll forgive me for being vague. Perhaps, when we are through to the other side, I may tell his or her story. It may give hope or validation to someone else, but right now it would merely come off as negative or hopeless. So... through all this rambling, I DO have a point.

It's time for me to remind myself of all the great things I have, and to focus on that for a while.

I have an amazing husband. He isn't perfect, no one is, but he is perfect for me. He gets my quirks, he makes me laugh, he handles my explosive emotional outbursts with little anger or frustration. He tries very hard to understand my limitations and not to throw them in my face, or make me feel bad for them. He's a great father to our children. He changes diapers, a lot! He plays with the kids constantly, whether its giving them piggy back rides, or stacking blocks with Charlie. He tries very hard to provide for us, which allows me to be a stay at home mom, and he tries to give us the things we WANT in addition to the things we NEED. I could go on for days, but the point is... I am very lucky. After 8 years together I am still very much in love.

I have amazing kids. They play well together, they are smart, thoughtful and polite. Oh so well behaved for the most part. We get complimented nearly every time we go out on how well they walk with us, sit still, have table manners, ect. You can see the waitress and manager at a restaurant cringe when we walk in, and after a while they come over and compliment us and tell us how strange it is to see well behaved kids. This is such a boost to our parenting. We, like all parents, have doubts that we are raising children who will ADD to society, and times like that is validation that we are. I don't think we are strict, but we are strict when it comes to behaviour and manners. Our kids walk single file out of a restaurant with their hands "Cupped" (folded, so they don't touch anything). Sounds extreme, but with a large amount of kids you need to have them organized when walking. Anyway, they are loving, brilliant, smart, and just amazing little things. And they are alive. Reading stories of babies who weren't as lucky was the inspiration for this blog. I have never had to experience the loss of a child. A miscarriage, yes, and that was painful enough. I can't imagine....

I have a home, its not ours, but we still have a place to live (thank you military!). We have plenty of food on the table, great health insurance that allows us to get the care we need at no out of pocket cost. We are able to donate, every year, money, items, and time to those who are less fortunate.

One thing I struggle to be grateful for is my health. It's very easy to throw myself a pity party. Tonight we went to see the traveling Broadway show of "Wicked". I teared up more than a few times and not because the show was sad, but because I miss the theater so much. I didn't realize how much I missed it. Theater was my life before I met Chris. I lived, breathed, and ate theater. I was supposed to go to College and major in acting. I got into an acting program that only accepts 25 students a year. I was planning on making a career out of acting. Then I met Chris and I knew my place in the world was with him. I figured I'd still do local theater but then we got pregnant. I figured that once we were done having kids I'd do it again. And then I was diagnosed with EDS. I limp when I walk, my arms randomly stop working, my elbow is permanently bent and doesn't work anymore. There is no way I could be on stage again. My body has ruined that dream of mine. I've had to alter other dreams in the past because of one thing or another but this has been the hardest for me to swallow. I love the theater! I love the thrill of being on stage, the audience reaction, just for a moment being someone else. I love the family unity you get with the other cast and stage members. There is such a rush and such a sense of belonging that isn't matched elsewhere. And thats over for me.

So I do struggle with remaining grateful that my health is what it is. I try to remind myself that it could be worse. I could be in a wheelchair instead of limping. I could have no arms instead of arms that work some of the time. I could have something fatal that makes it so I won't see my babies grow up. There are plenty of reasons to be grateful for my health, I just need to remind myself of them.

And of course, no gratitude post would be complete without a shout out to my friends.

Sandra is one of those rare people you meet that you automatically feel a connection with. We've been friends nearly 6 years. We have never had a fight, we've never been secretly jealous of each other, or unhappy for the other one. We drifted apart a few years back because of a horrible other person, but once that was cleared up it was as if no time had past. She has one of the rare distinctions of being labeled one of my best friends. I don't let too many people get close to me. She is definitely one of the few.

Laura is a friendship that I am so grateful still exists and is so strong even over many miles of separation. Same horrible person nearly destroyed that friendship, but in the end made it a million times stronger. Laura is pure "Christian". Her life revolves around her relationship with her God. Some may think this hinders our friendship as my religion does not share the same God. It doesn't. We are both strong in our faiths, and respectful of the others. I can have lengthy conversations with her about religion and neither of feels offended or preached at or as if we have to defend ourselves. Her and her husband are the Guardians in lieu of our brood. We made this decision years ago and every interaction with them solidifies our decision.

And Elaine...oh Elaine. Elaine is my sister from another Mister. She is seriously my other half. We only met a few months ago but we are definitely Kindred Spirits. Sandra introduced us (another point for Sandra!) and we hit it off immediately as if we've known each other forever. She is absolutely amazing. There are a few things we differ on, such as religion (she is Christian and I am not), she is more relaxed on her position of circing while I am not, ect. She's my liberal, crunchy friend. Love her! She is one I know I'll be sitting in our old lady rockers still chatting non stop.

I have many more amazing friends I'm grateful for - these three have just been there a lot of me recently, and on my mind. I am very lucky to have friends scattered all over the country so I'm never very far from someone.

This upcoming week while on vacation I am going to try to start each day with gratitude on my mind and keep it as we spend some much needed family time together.

**This is a blog hop!

Family

The definition of "family" has been weighing very heavily on my mind.  Family is so much more than a relation by blood.  The man who raised me, my "step" father, is more a dad to me than anyone else ever was.  And even though in my teenage angst I may have said differently, he IS my dad - blood relation or not.  His family is more my family than my moms family who is related to me by blood.  When someone asks how many brothers and sisters I have I always respond that I have 4 sisters and a brother, even though two are half siblings, and two are step siblings.  To me they are all equally my brother and sisters.  I've hardly seen my family since I've moved out, and hardly speak to any of them either.  The communication I have with them is always on my part and so are any visits.  But by legal definition they are my family.

And then there is my military family - who I'm closer to than any of my legal family.  The squadron where Chris works is well aware of our health situation and have been extremely supportive about it.  Chris has been able to attend all of my appointments, drive me where I need to go, take Anthony to and from school, and PT on his own since he can't go at designated times.  His First Shirt is even trying to figure out a way to get Anthony to and from school on days where Chris is flying and can't do it.  A few years ago when Chris was deployed over Thanksgiving someone submitted our name for a Thanksgiving care package and the entire dinner was delivered to our house.  The same year someone anonymously gave us a check for some money to help out with Christmas.  After David was born we were given a 338th blanket for him from the Commanders Wife.

And then there are Sandra and Kenny.  I've spoken of them before but I don't think either realizes just how much they mean to me and my family.  Sandra has been my friend since we were first stationed here, nearly 5 years ago.  Our friendship has endured a ridiculous amount of outside drama, hardships, and emotions.  She truly is family.  We can go months without talking or seeing each other, but the second we reconnect it's like no time has passed.  I know that if I needed to I could call her up at 2 A.M. with an issue and she'd be there for me no questions asked.  I hope she knows the feeling is mutual.  Being friends with a female is so difficult for me - I generally don't get along super well with girls.  Women can be very catty, jealous, and passive-aggressive.  There has never been anything like that with Sandra.  We've never fought, or had our feelings hurt unintentionally.  She helped pull me through a really bad situation a few years ago that occurred with mutual friends of ours.  I truly do consider her family, and her children as part of my family as well.

And Kenny...well Kenny is Kenny!  He is my best male friend.  I alternate between calling him my second husband, and my 5th child.  The few things that Chris doesn't enjoy doing with me are the few things that Kenny and I share a common interest in.  Shows like Law and Order, our taste in movies, Mongolian food, Pixel Junk Monsters, and our love for Dr. Pepper.  We pretty much disagree and fight about everything else, especially politics - but it's not actual fighting and at the end of it we are still great friends.  He's a "bachelor" and lives like one so over the years I've taught him some basic kitchen information and other day to day things.  He's another person I know I could call on at 2 in the morning without issue and he'd drop everything to help us out.  And unlike a lot of men I know he is very pro-breastfeeding and very interested in a lot of the other things that Chris and I practice that may make other people blink.

These two people are the ones I can be myself around, who have seen me at my worst, and have been there for me when I needed it.  They are truly my family.

I'm quite lucky!

I am quite lucky to have amazing friends and an amazing husband.  Chris has been really concerned with how upset I've been lately and today was an especially hard day.  As my appointment with the new doctor looms closer I get more worried, not less.  I worry that I'll get the same response I've gotten from 7 doctors in the past, "You definitely need help, but I don't know enough about EDS to be the one to help you."  At this point I just need him to approve the surgery and find a surgeon who is familiar with Ehlers-Danlos.  As I tend to do when I'm anxious, I've just shut down the past few days.  This morning I just lost it and couldn't really articulate why I was so upset.  It's very hard to explain what the loss of major body parts is like.  I literally am reduced to reading, getting online, or watching TV unless I take my pain killers.  Cleaning, playing with the kids, carrying things, even lifting my arms up are nearly impossible.  And then someone made a pretty nasty comment to me today and while it didn't bother me that much as I don't think highly of the person anyway, I know it won't be the last time I hear the same comment.  That I'm selfish and irresponsible to have kids since I have a genetic disorder.  In the state I'm in, yes I would agree.  Right now I'm not in a good place but this isn't a state I plan to be in for the rest of my life.  There is a treatment, surgery, that I plan to get to correct my wrists and elbow.  Will I ever be completely 100%? No, but who is?  What family doesn't have health issues?  Right now mine are just abnormally bad and we're working on it.

Well, Chris and Kenny decided to surprise me tonight and Kenny took me to Kahns - this delicious Mongolian BBQ restaurant that Chris won't take me to because it doesn't agree with him.  I had a surprisingly great time and Kenny and I discussed religion, touched on politics (which is a taboo subject between us as we never see eye to eye), our families, and what we were hoping to do in the future.  Kenny is really one of my two best friends, and I love having a guy friend that I'm that close with.  I love that he's really good friends with Chris too, and that there is zero jealousy there.

When I got home Chris had cleaned some (!!!) and then we watched "House" before he went to bed and I took a painkiller to finish cleaning as I didn't yesterday.

Tomorrow my other best friend, Sandra, is helping me since Chris is flying.  She's taking Anthony to and from school for me.  It's not easy for me to ask for help or to let others know that I'm not 100%.  It's a pride thing for me.  But I am extremely lucky to have an amazing husband, and two very sweet and supportive friends.

New Years Eve!

Stolen from my friend Mandi's Blog:

5 THINGS I'M THANKFUL FOR IN 2009:
1) Watching my children grow and blossom into amazing people.  Anthony is reading up a storm now. It makes it difficult when we are trying to hide things from him - no more spelling anything to keep it a secret! Anastasia is fully potty trained and such a speaker.  Her vocabulary is absolutely amazing and most adults are surprised at the complexity of her sentences.  David turned one this year and has hit numerous milestones.  It's amazing how sweet he can be, and then how rough and mean he can be a split second later.  He's always ready for a sweet cuddle though

2) My amazingly support husband who has been such a rock for me as I regained the strength in my legs and relearned the ways to use my arms. I don't think he realizes how much I appreciate him and all he has done for me and our children.  He is truly an amazing father, and an amazing husband and I'm so grateful to have him.

3) My physical Therapist Sarah.  She met me at the end of 2008 when I could hardly walk. Through this whole past year she has worked with me and regained the strength in my legs.  I went from not being able to get on the floor with my kids, or walk down stairs, or even get up off the couch without help - and now I'm back to nearly perfect.  She's been a tremendous help in learning the news ways I need to move and use my body.  She saved me from being confined to a wheelchair!

4) My friends - especially Sandra and Kenny.  My two closest friends and an invaluable support system.  Though we may not always see eye to eye - and with Kenny we hardly ever do - they are always there for me to vent to, laugh with, or gossip with.  There are numerous other friends that have been there for me but these two are definitely my closest friends, outside my husband of course.

5) My jar/can/thingie opener.  Don't laugh.  These are amazing gadgets that enable me to still do things around my kitchen.  As I can no longer use my wrists or arms to turn things, these do that for me! I can cook again!

5 THINGS I WANT TO IMPROVE IN 2010:

1) My arms.  If I can regain the use and some of the strength in my arms I would be able to do so much more for my family, friends, and home.

2) Stop becoming so dejected.  It's easy to get down when things get tough, it's a lot harder to remain positive.  I've had numerous days where I haven't been the greatest person because I get so down about the state of my body.  I really want to work on staying positive during the hard moments and inspiring others in similar situations to do the same.

3) My path to religion. I've been searching for many years for the religion I identify with.  I know what it's not and I am slowly learning what it is.  I identify a lot with the Pagan religions but I do not know enough to claim one for myself.  I hope to be able to do this - as I do feel something is missing from my life.

4) I want to show Chris more how much I appreciate him and his role in my life and our childrens lives. Sometimes I find myself griping too much on what he hasn't done, rather than saying thank you for what he has done.  I want him to know how much I love and care about him.

5) Do more activities with the kids.  It's easy when you are a stay-at-home mom to feel as if you've done enough just by taking care of the kids and the home.  I don't want to just be a maid or a fixture on the wall for the kids - I want them to have memories of what we've done together.

5 WAYS I WANT TO GIVE AND HELP OTHERS THIS YEAR:

1) I want to volunteer with Way of the Midlands charity as we have every year.  They do families days that allow our children to participate as well.  I think its important for children to learn, at an early age, to give back.

2) Get really involved with the Breastfeeding Coalition and the La Leche League.  I dream of one day helping women successfully breastfeed for as long as they'd like to.  Already I offer breastfeeding advice to those who ask me to, but I'd love to reach more people on a larger scale.

 

3) Go through the kids toys more often and donate them to the Airmans Attic or Goodwill. It's difficult because we keep having more kids and therefore they don't really outgrow the toys, but they definitely have way too much.

4) Be more available to my friends - especially those with children and whose husbands aren't around much (due to the military).  They need nights out as much as anyone else.

5) Donate some of our old, not getting used diapers to miraclediapers.org. I also want to see if they have a chapter opened in my area I can be a part of.  I also want to start donating breastmilk once Charlie gets here to mothers who are unable to breastfeed for whatever reason.