Day 1 with no pop

Today was my first day starting my new pop challenge. I attempting to change my pop habit and only consume it on the weekend. This morning I woke up super early to get my workout in. Charlie woke up twice so my workout wasn't as strong as I would have liked, but I still got one in. Waking up early makes me quite tired but at the same time I feel very accomplished. I can workout, and clean the house before the kids wake up.

Lunchtime kind of sucked. I really wanted a pop, but had water instead. I haven't had dinner yet, but that will be tough as well. I'll probably make up my daily glass of lemon water (used to cleanse my body and hopefully increase my fertility/chance of conceiving a girl). I had a minor caffeine headache earlier but I had 4 chocolate covered coffee beans and felt better. I also noticed that I was a lot hungrier mid afternoon and had to have a snack. I'm normally nursing my lunch pop all afternoon which curbs hunger.

I must also shamelessly plug my husbands blog. He is still doing the Primal Diet (I had to quit as it caused me massive depression) and blogs about his diet and workout routine. You can find his blog here http://occasionaljark.blogspot.com/. He blogs with his best buddy, David, who is also a good friend of mine and the namesake of our son David.

Weaning off my meds

I watched a Dr. Phil episode this past week that made me super nervous. It showed little newborns going through withdrawal. I got so extremely upset I called my pain clinic doctor immediately and set up an appointment. He had me go in on Friday, and we talked. He told me at the dosage I'm at he's never seen an infant go through withdrawal but if I felt nervous we could attempt to wean me off the medication. I told him I wanted to try - I HAD to try - before we got pregnant again. For the sake of the baby I had to give it a try. So I'm now in the process of coming off my pain meds - he said it would take a few months to wean off which is fine as I suspect it will be a few months before I get pregnant again. I was taking 2 mg of dilaudid 4 times a day with 2 break through pills. I'm now taking 3 pills a day with 2 break throughs. Next month I'll go down to 2 pills a day with 2 break throughs, ect. I went out and bought ACE bandages to bind my elbow and ankle up to try to minimize pain. Even going down one pill has brought the pain back immensely. Luckily, I have one completely pain free arm to work with so thats been helpful.

I'm also, seriously, going to cut out a lot of the pop. It's my only vice. I don't smoke - never have, I don't drink AT ALL, I don't do recreational drugs, the only thing I have when I'm stressed is pop. It's impeding my weight loss though, I've been stuck at 120 lbs for months now. So I am cutting out the pop during the week and only drinking it on the weekend. Seems like not a big step -but it's like a smoker saying they are only going to smoke on the weekends. An addiction is an addiction and I am addicted to pop. I'm also going to be waking up at 5:45 in the morning to get an hour work out in before waking Anthony up to get ready for school. I'm going to seriously hold myself accountable to this - so stay tuned for my daily blog posts about how I'm doing!

Day out with the girls, and day out with my little girl

Last Wednesday my girlfriends and I had one of our frequent Girls Night Out. We try to do this a few times a month to get away and have adult conversation, and an uninterrupted meal. This time was a more sullen occasion as we were trying to cheer a friend up who, sadly, had a miscarriage. We went out on Wednesday night because she was having her D&C on Friday and I really wanted to take her out prior to it. So we all headed out to Chili's. Chili's is my ultimate favorite restaurant and normally we do a semi-sit down restaurant but this time we wanted a full on sit down.

We stayed an awful long time. One of my friends said we were getting death glares from the wait staff, which made no sense as the place was half empty. Charlie wasn't the most happy baby in the world, but he does pretty well when we go out. All in all it was awesome - until the very end. I tapped my knee on the pole under the table and managed to severely dislocate my knee cap. I looked down at my knee when this happened and my knee cap was rotated to the back of my leg. I have never felt that TYPE of pain. I sort of threw Charlie at my friend and started trying to massage my knee back. My three friends didn't really know what was going on, which is what I wanted. I really don't like my health being upfront and center. The pain was almost an outer body experience. I could feel it, but it wasn't like it was my pain. I actually felt as if I was going to pass out. My head started swimming and my vision started tunneling. It took about 5 minutes to finish massaging it back into place and we left shortly after that. It was absolutely nauseating. My knee is not a joint I dislocate often, so it hurts a lot more when it happens.


Today I took Anastasia out to buy my friend a gift, and for lunch. My friends and I are doing another Girls Night Out this Friday at Paneras so we can do our $5 gift exchange. I was to buy a gift for my friend who miscarried. Originally when I got her name she was still pregnant so I was going to buy her a baby gift, but that would be quite tacky to do now so I went out and got her something else. Since we only had a $5 gift limit I went to the Dollar Tree and bought her stuff to make a bubble bath basket. I bought a basket, a loofah, bubble bath, a vanilla candle, and a book. I let Anastasia buy herself something too. She kept picking up toys and putting them back and finally decided on a blue ball. Thats my daughter! I let her get herself a white teddy bear with a pink bow too which she named "Soph". We now have dolls/toys named Sophia, Sophie, and Soph. Afterwards I took her to lunch at Wheatfields. I left Charlie at home because he was napping, and she was so thrilled to just be the two of us. I really enjoyed just having the two of us. We colored together and shared our food, and I let her get the biggest piece of cake I've ever seen. She hardly ate any and asked to bring it home to share with her brothers. So sweet :) I'm glad I was able to take her out. I'm definitely going to do it more often. She feels lost a lot of the time being the only girl with three brothers - I think it's important that she spend one on one time with me.

Seems I'm always two steps behind

This should have been posted a while ago, but this is about the first time I've had to sit down and blog this week.

I don't like making resolutions, they seem to always fail. If you want to NOT do something just make a New Years Resolution TO do it. So I'm going to post a year in review, and what I hope to have happen this year.

2010 in review

January - Anastasia had her ears pierced, I had more MRI's and discovered the extent of the damage to my arms, we were buying the rest of the baby stuff, and after nursing for 3.5 years straight my daughter and my son weaned within a week of each other.

February - We bought our much needed family van. This is not the car of my dreams, but it will suffice until I can get my two year old Sienna. I was seeing my surgeon more regularly and it was suspected I had nerve damage. We lost $480 dollars that we still speak about and hope one day to find it in a cupboard somewhere. I hit 28 weeks in my pregnancy, a milestone I look forward to.

March - We got our family pictures done. We made the decision to homeschool Anthony and Anastasia. I attended the best concert of my life, Bon Jovi! I swear I will see him again in concert. It was one of the greatest days of my life. I had my EMG and it showed I had no nerve damage. I had more u/s with Dr. Barsoom. We decided to move David to a big boy bed, which didn't work (just this past week he finally has been sleeping in his own bed)

April - Chris and I celebrated six years of marriage. I started the Primal Diet (which I quit a few months later because I was having massive mood issues). I had more NSTs. Our puppy was born on April 19th. The best thing that happened was my youngest son Charles George also known as Charlie or Charlie Bear was born weighing 6 lbs 5.5 oz and was 19.5 inches at 8 am in the morning on the 29th.

May - We began homeschooling. We set the date for my first wrist fusion. I was visiting Jovi every few days.

June - I had surgery to fuse my left wrist forever taking away complete mobility.

July - David had his hernia surgery. Homeschooling was way under way. David celebrated his second birthday and I celebrated my 25th.

August - I got my cast off and switched to a brace on my left arm. Chris's mom came out to visit - our first visit in 5 years. I switched pain medications. Anthony turned 6 and Anastasia turned 4, and the three older kids had a shared birthday party.

September - David became stuck in our sub woofer. Anastasia was full underway as a "Bunny" on the "Bunnies" soccer team she played for. Chris turned 27.

October - I had surgery to forever fuse my right wrist completely destroying all mobility on that arm. Anastasia had her last soccer game. Charlie was a bear for halloween, Anthony a zebra, David a monkey, and Anastasia was elmo.

November - We had our good family friend over for Thanksgiving. I was still recovering from surgery and we began to toss around the idea of allowing Anthony another chance in public school. I had my cast removed from my right arm

December - I was allowed to remove my brace from my left arm. Chris's mom came out for another visit, and Charlie celebrated his first Christmas. This one was special because next year Chris will be TDY for the holidays.


Hopes for 2011

- I hope to get pregnant with Baby number 5!

- I hope to continue to manage my pain and heal

- I hope to continue trying daily to have a positive look out

- I hope to continue working out to strengthen my joints I have left.

- I hope to continue remember Quality over Quantity when it comes to time with my family.

- I hope to continue trying to make my marriage as strong as it can be, and to learn to forgive more easily

- I hope to learn to accept my past, and move towards the future and stop letting it weigh me down.

- I hope to teach my children respect, love, honesty, compassion, empathy, and how to give back to others.

- I hope to look for more positives than negatives in a situation.

A New Year

This post is a little late in coming, but better late then never.

This past year have been quite busy. We welcomed our fourth child, our third son, into our home. Charles (Charlie) George Mizzell was born on April 29th, 2010 giving us our much wanted April baby. April has always been a special month for Chris and me. Now he is an 8.5 month old baby. He can sit unassisted, rolls to get everywhere, says "mama" and "dada", has two teeth, and has begun eating table foods. He loves his mommy and daddy and offers us huge smiles anytime we sees us. He's currently having a little stranger anxiety and separation anxiety, but he's a generally a very happy child.

We celebrated Anthony's 6th birthday this year. Amazing that I have a 6 year old! He's still learning so much, and is now well into the multiplication tables. He's had some issues this year as well that prompted us to pull him out of school and do homeschooling. Homeschooling went very well, but after much thought and discussion as a family, and with his doctors, we agreed to give public school another shot. He just had his first day back a few days ago. He loves first grade a lot and his teacher is amazed by how much he knows. She told Anthony, after he answered all the questions, that he needed to give the others kids a chance too. But it was said very nicely and not at all condescendingly. This may be a good fit for him. Every day he reports that he had an "Excellent" day and that the kids didn't bully him. I'm very proud of him.

We celebrated Anastasia's 4th birthday this year. Four years old already. Four years ago I was dealing with the most high needs baby I have ever met. She was very colicky, refluxy, unbelievable separation anxiety and stranger anxiety. We were confined to our home as venturing out caused her to have, what can only be described as, panic attacks. Having people over also caused such high anxiety that we really didn't have anyone over very often. She was being evaluated for Failure to Thrive, her eating was being evaluated as she'd turn blue every time she ate because she could choke on water. I'd only feed her if Chris was around so he could do the baby Heimlich. Her walking had to be evaluated as one of her legs was much weaker then the other prompting some family friends to nickname her "lefty". I figured if I could handle Anastasia I could handle anything. Now at 4 she is such an EASY child, something I never thought I'd contribute to her. She's very friendly and outgoing, she loves her baby brother and helps him out all the time. She's very girly and sweet. She loves her daddy for different reasons then she loves me, but we don't feel as if she has a favorite. We are both her favorites.

We celebrated David's 2nd birthday this year. David went from being my little baby on an apnea monitor who scared us when he stopped breathing, to being a little stick of dynamite. I mean that as in he destroys my home on a daily basis. He dumps bottles of pop on my new couch, spreads Brad Fasteners to every corner of my home, takes all the clean folded diapers out of their shelves and stuffs them in the dogs cage, gets in the fridge, takes of his diaper a few times a day and poops or pees wherever he wants. He's very much a two year old, more so then any of my other kids at that age. He also has a very sweet disposition. He still loves to cuddle with mommy or daddy and he displays a remarkable amount of empathy for others. He may be the reason you are crying, but at least he feels bad about it. I may be grey, completely, by the time I'm 30 because of him - but the sweet cuddly moments nearly make up for it.

This year we also got our first puppy. Jon Bon Jovi The Greatest Musician Ever (otherwise known as Jovi) came into our house in June. He was born April 19th, 2010 (A mere 10 days before Charlie). I held him in my hands for the first time on April 20th and then every few days after that. He was so tiny when he came to us, and now he's nearly full grown. It took forever to house break him but he's house broken now. He has some awful habits, such as chewing, but he is a puppy and he'll outgrow those. All in all he's a great dog. He sheds like mad, but he IS a dog. In about a year or so we'll be hunting for a breeder to get our second puppy. Jovi could use another playmate.

I also had two major surgeries this year. I had my left wrist fused, and then 4 months later I had my right wrist fused. I don't regret the surgeries at all. I have NO mobility left in my wrists but I also, for the most part, have no pain. Occasionally my wrists ache a little but I think thats to be expected. One day I'll have my elbow worked on and I'll be out of pain - as long as nothing else falls apart.

Chris and I are also trying to get pregnant with Baby number 5! My OB and I spoke the other day. I absolutely love him. He told me I was nuts for wanting more but it was all said in good fun. He's going to contact my high risk doctor to make sure the meds I'm on are okay, otherwise I'll need to switch off my meds prior to pregnancy. The only one they are unsure of is the pain killers. I was on pain killers with Charlie but it was a different kind.

It's about lunch time, but I will be making a post of goals for 2011 here soon!

And life continues!

I feel as if I'm becoming myself again. For the past two years plus I have felt who I am slip away. I have watched my abilities dwindle. I lost the ability to do many things I love or enjoy doing. Cooking, baking, bread making, cross-stitching, cleaning, picking up my children, ect were all impossible tasks or made to be very painful and difficult. I knew having a wrist fusion would forever change my life, but everyone in the EDS community said it would be something positive and that I wouldn't regret it. They were absolutely correct.

I may have a large, noticeable scar. I may have lost the ability to bend my wrists, permanently. But I have gained so much back. Today I was able to open a pill bottle, with my hands. Pill bottles are the bane of my existence, especially as I know take quite a few pills a day. I normally am stuck unless Chris is home, or I've placed my pills in an easy open bottle. Today I filled my diluadid prescription and was able to open it myself!

Every day now I am able to do dishes, fold laundry, scrub down the kitchen. I can vacuum a room at a time. I can pick up my son without issue. I'm beginning to cook again, and hope to be back to baking soon. The only pain I have now is in my elbow and one of my ankles. But my head isn't consumed by it anymore. I used to feel so useless when I couldn't do anything, and now I'm starting to feel like myself again.

If there are any EDSers reading this, who struggle with whether or not a fusion is the right choice - in my experience it really really is. You may lose some ability, but you gain back so much more.

One brace off!

On Monday I went back to the surgeon and I got the all clear to remove the brace from my left arm. It's been nearly 6 months since I've had surgery on that hand and it feels so odd to have nothing on it!  I still haven't regained full feeling in my hand, and he said it make take a year or longer to do so.  When something hits the metal plate the shivers it causes are flipping nauseating. It's also weird, my metal plate gets cold!  It will feel 2 or 3 degrees cooler than the rest of my hand.  This will be a fun winter.

Anthony restarts public school on the 6th. I am very apprehensive but we've talked it through and this is what he wants.  We'll continue homeschool in addition to his public school and keep a close eye on the issues that made us pull him in the first place.

On Christmas Santa is going to "forget" a major gift.  Chris's mom (The kids "Gigi") is coming out to visit.  Santa is supposed to bring her but will forget so Chris will have to go meet him at the airport to retrieve her.  I'm sure the kids will have a blast.   I'm honestly a bit nervous, well a lot nervous, but the last visit went well so hopefully this one does too.  She is making an honest effort to not overstep her boundaries again, and she is doing very well.  I do have to give her credit there.  I'm not sure our relationship will ever be uncomplicated again, some things you just can't erase or forget about, but I think we can have a good relationship.  I first need to learn to forgive, something that doesn't come easily to me, and to retrust - something I've never been able to do.  But for my kids sake, Chris's sake, and her sake I am trying.  Where I am now is not where I was then - so that stress is alleviated. I'm not easily pushed around, and I'm much more comfortable in my style of parenting.  I think she also knows what is at stake as we've told her that if what happens last time happens again there will be no more chances. I can't put my children through that.  I don't think it will come to that.  At this time we seem to be doing well with each other.  I'm not sure if she still feels the same way about me that she used to, and that may be part of the problem I'm having.  I'm very easy to trust people, but when you break my trust I am unable to ever trust you again.  I did trust her a lot, and that trust was broken. I'm trying, for the first time, to retrust her and it's not easy.  In the back of my mind there is always that, "does she feel the same way?" thought.  So right now I'm having a lot of anxiety - probably unnecessarily - towards her visit that I'm working through.  Thank goodness for therapy!

On an unrelated (and I mean that!) I am planning on switching to a standard book style blog in addition to this one.  I use this one as a way to "update" those I care about and those who care about me - but I am currently trying to come to term with things from my childhood/teenage years and can't do that publicly. So I may not post as much, or rather, my posts will continue to be sporadic as I try to work through what I need to work through in order to be a happier person.