Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Really Nervous

Today is the first time I've let my nerves get the best of me.  I'm extremely nervous over the surgery.  I look at Charlie and it pains me that I'll be separated from him for hours tomorrow.  I will be asleep and unaware of time passing, but Charlie will not.  He's not going to understand why mommy isn't there for him.  My other kids aren't going to understand why they can't really be around me for the next week as I lay in bed concentrating on not moving my arm at all.  And gosh forbid something goes wrong - none of my children are old enough to really have memories of me.  And then I'm nervous about relearning how to do everything as I adjust to a life without a wrist.  And as petty as it sounds, seeing a very large scar on the back of my arm for the rest of my life - signaling to the world that something has happened to me and inciting questioning stares or a request for an explanation.  I broke down a little while ago holding Charlie and apologizing to him for tomorrow.  Hopefully he does well with Chris and Chris does well with him.  Hopefully he doesn't have issues with the bottle/pacifier and I hope beyond hope he doesn't prefer them to nursing.  I hope I get through surgery without any mishaps, and recovery goes smoothly.  I hope my children understand why mommy is in bed unable to cuddle them or play with them. Tonight is the last night of my life ever being able to bend my wrist again - its something I once took for granted and now am facing a lifetime of never doing it again.