Chris and I were about to walk out for a date night and I went to the bathroom and there was a gush of bright red blood. I freaked out and told Chris we needed to go to the ER so he loaded the kids up and took them to the babysitter anyway and met me at the ER. They were so kind. I was crying and could hardly talk while giving them my information but they were very sympathetic and patient. They told me they couldn't do much for me but drew some blood to check my HCG level and took me down to ultrasound.
We saw the baby. Absolutely beautiful! Normally they don't let you see the screen or tell you anything but they let me watch and I was so grateful. I didn't even need a transvaginal. The baby actually looks like a baby now. It was the most adorable looking thing, and I could even see the little outlines of it's little fingers. It had it's hands near it's mouth And we saw a beautiful heartbeat! The baby looked wonderful.
I saw the same doctor I saw last time. He said the bleed is in the same spot. It had been trying to clot off but now it's bleeding again. Chris and I had sex the night before and I worry that it caused the bleed. The doctor said I'm on indefinite pelvic rest for now - no orgasms, and no penetration of any kind. Thankfully Chris was there and heard it from him! He thinks I have a 95% chance of delivering a healthy baby, which means I still have 5x the risk of miscarriage as the average person but its still good odds. This babe is holding on tight!
Chris had damaged his foot last week so while we were there they took the stitches out for him too, which I was grateful for! He was youtubing how to do it himself! His doctor who stitched him was the same one I saw both times so it was kind of funny.
Earlier this week I encountered a conversation with some friends of a friend that actually surprised me. I suppose I am so use to be surrounded by people who at least can admit that validity in Attachment style Parenting that I'm not used to people completely dismissing it as a form of spoiling.
I'm not speaking ill of methods of parenting, but I do believe whole heartily in the logic with AP and there are numerous studies and research to back it up.
Baby wearing is not "new age". Wearing your children has been around since the dawn of time practically, and nearly every culture has their own ways to do it. Strollers are more new age. The first stroller was invented in the 1700's. Babies were worn long before then. It's not new, and it's doesn't spoil the baby. Studies actual show that a child who is attended to, a child raised in the AP style, tends to be more independent and well adjusted when they grow up. Thats not to say using a stroller will make your child dependent and maladjusted, it's just more in favor for babywearing.
Not all baby wraps and slings are made equal. Snugglie, Baby Bjorn, ect are very bad for baby's spine. The more primitive the carrier the better for baby. Slings, wraps (like Moby's) and soft structured carriers are far better. The ERGO is a good compromise as the baby sits, rather than dangles. Plus the baby is skin to skin with mama where the Baby Bjorn and Snugglie are more in a pouch.
Just because babe can eat food doesn't suddenly make breastmilk unhealthy. I love this quote, " the first six months of breastfeeding are clearly much more important in terms of the baby's nutrition and immunological development than the six months from 3.5 to 4.0 years. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't continue to provide breast milk if your baby wants and you don't mind. It would be like saying, "Well Mabel, we don't get very much income from that oil well anymore. Used to get $56 a month in royalties, now we're lucky if we get $25 a year. Guess we should tell that oil company just to keep their durn money." And Mabel says, in return "Good grief, Clyde, don't be ridiculous. That check still buys $25 worth of food. Where has your mind gone to now?""
Breasts were made to feed our babies. The sexual pleasure some women and men derive from them, are not their first function. Nursing a child is no more sexual than changing their diaper. Anyone who thinks otherwise is the pervert - not the mother nursing. The health benefits to nursing are far to numerous to list, but are undeniable. Nursing a child will not spoil them or make them grow up to be sexual predators.
Whether you are an attached parent or a traditional parent there should be respect for the way other people parent. There also has to be acknowledgment when research and history tells you that something is beneficial and not harmful.
The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.
The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have. - Ring Lardner
Even as a young child I used to dream of the perfect family. The kind where you can confide in your mom, and your dad scares all your boyfriends (out of love, not just because it's fun), you borrow your sisters clothes and gossip about your latest dates. Where, as adults, you visit each other frequently, and your kids and nieces/nephews are the best of friends and every year at holiday time you gather around the same tree and it's fun.
Thats not the family I have. I love my family, even with their faults and I hope they love me despite mine, but we are not close. I have one sibling who I DO see myself growing old with while our children play together. One. Out of five.
Chris gets very frustrated with me because I spend way to much time upset over things my family does that continues to hurt me. He'd rather I just move on and cut as much ties as I can. He doesn't like to see me hurt, and I love him for that. He cut ties with his mother for nearly 5 years because of drama. They have a decent relationship now and the drama is gone. He wants the same for me, but I have never been one who has been good at cutting someone out. They are FAMILY, it's difficult to give up completely.
I have a great non-biological family, though. It's not the same, at all, as one you are tied to - but it's still nice. Everyone deserves someone who is happy for them, and who they can confide in.
Perhaps this is why my need to have a large family of my own is so great. My children will know barely any of their cousins. My sisters kids, if she has any, will be the only ones they see regularly. She is the only one I don't have panic attacks at the idea of seeing. I hope I can somehow raise a family that is different than my own. One where everybody visits at the same time, without stress. I hope my grandkids grow up together.
Chris tells me that perhaps this is a good thing. I will be the Matriarch of my family. He is always trying to find the silver lining when I can't see one. It's hard to foster something in your family that is foreign to you.
My two best friends, and myself (I hope), are all moving away from each other over this next year. We already plan to meet up once a year or so to visit with each other. It may not be a holiday gathered around a tree, but it's still a visit with people I consider my family. I am lucky, in the regard, that I have many amazing people who I love and who loves me that live scattered across the country. No matter where we go we'll be close to someone.
Perhaps one day I'll reconnect to my other siblings - and see my parents again (it's been 4 years since I've seen either of them), but there is a lot of bad blood thats never been discussed and I fear it's that - more than anything else - that keeps us from being close.
The reason I haven't posted is I didn't want to relay bad news.
On July 4th I went to the ER after three days of light pink bleeding. On the 4th it picked up a bit and became clots, but was still light pink in color or brown. No bright red thank goodness! But I was scared enough, especially since EDS can raise your risk of many things during pregnancy - such as a placental abruption and miscarriage. The ER was very nice which is much different than my experience when I miscarried back in 2007. Even though I was early, roughly 5 weeks 2 day, nobody made me feel ridiculous for being worried I was miscarrying.
They ran a few tests, a urine analysis, and HCG blood draw, and two ultrasounds (abdominal and transvaginal). The HCG came back great at 1418 which was a relief. However, one of the ultrasounds showed a moderate to large bleed under the placenta (which would increase my risk of miscarriage, and in later pregnancy would be akin to a placental abruption). I was told to have hope but that I would most likely lose the baby. I was devastated.
I've spent the last few days guzzling water, and resting as much as I can. I went back to the OB yesterday to have another HCG draw. I'm still awaiting results.
The good news is the bleeding has completely stopped. Morning sickness set in yesterday and hasn't let up. A lot of things I've read online and from my friends have said that there is a good possibility I WON'T lose this baby. I also read that it can be hard to diagnose a subchorionic hematoma so early in pregnancy because it may resemble that of a gestational sac. So I have hope. And hopefully next week I'll have great news!